The Best of Both Worlds?: Biracial and Getting the Best and the Worst from Both Sides



Often I have random thoughts about the daily happenings in the world around me, being a biracial woman raised in lower middle class, middle America, now all grown up and educated -living in an upper middle class Republican suburbia, my thoughts swing like a pendulum...

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Protected By Angels

There was a time when I did not believe in God, go to church or think that anything that I could not see could ever exist. I spent an entire teenage existence thinking that my life was governed by coincidence and chance. "Luck." It took me getting pregnant at 17 to realize that there must be a God. I hung out with thugs and dope-dealers, criminals and drive-by shooters. I barely graduated from high-school, and blew off a full ride to go to college. I was unmotivated, uneducated and self-oriented. I lied to my Mother, my friends and myself about who I was and where I was headed in life.
One day, I looked around and every one around me that had intended on causing me hurt, harm or danger had suddenly disappeared. My low-down, dirty, dope-dealing friends were either dead or in prison. My so-called female "home-girls" were in jail, on welfare or both over some no good "baby daddy".
And here I was, no direction, no hope and no love...

Sunday, August 12, 2007

CDC & WHO Crimes Against Humanity Using Mercury

CDC & WHO Crimes Against Humanity

Published research 1st March 2006 shows neurodevelopmental disorders in children has decreased following removal of thimerosal, a preservative containing the neurotoxin mercury, from American childhood vaccines. The World Health Organization has urged CDC against the banning of Thimerosal in U.S. vaccines since that prohibition might discredit WHO's third world inoculation programs. WHO, with U.S. funding, is now injecting children in developing countries with the same amounts of Thimerosal we were giving American kids at their highest exposures, but in a shorter time period.

This supports the fact that mercury is a neurotoxin in all required vaccines, from schools to medical staff and flu shots and that the 50% mercury in every dental amalgam filling given over the last century and still propogated into all welfare recepients is cripling patients and the health system.

The medical symbol contains the knowledge of pathogenesis since 1500 BC; In the course of disease illustrated by the staff of mercury, the nematode snake, and vectored flight.



Sludge is the source of 80-100% airbourne disease from toxic mercury scavenger nematode in natural science, the helminth in medical literature, the roundworm in medical conditions and lymphatic filariasis considered incurable cancer. There is no difference between 3rd world disease and industrial disease, one is infectious disease the other late stage disease from sludge spread in town, on crops, harvested for lifestock and by air.

The Phylum Nematoda - Die Fadenwürmer has been known since 1500 BC only recently rediscovered, appearing on the path of mercury decomposing polluted mud and sludge. Once released into air its host form is taken from pressure as it polymorphs host DNA skin and depicted as a snake thus increasing genetic variables, most active at night in the cause of cold climate change lowering localized temperatures. From direct contact with infectious sludge you can read my discovery, time line and attempted cover-up. Ground breaking connection between mercury, sludge and nematode on the nematode forum.

Have you reported your problem with mercury in medical and dental products to the FDA?

Showings (no new dates): Mercury in Toothousand re-produced by Ubi_Vision, & QueckSilber produced by Dr Robert Gammel on those 'not silver fillings'. View The Trailer

Zogby Survey

87% support the law that prohibits the sale of mercury products
79% did not know mercury is a primary ingredient in "silver" dental fillings
More than 80% support a ban on continued use of mercury fillings

Mixed Celebs

Clark Johnson - Actor, his father is Black and his mother is White.

Cree Summer – Actress, her father is Mestizo (White and Cree Indian (actor Don Francks)), and her mother is Black. She does the voice of Susie in Rugrats.

Derek Jeter - Baseball player, black father and white mother.

Dorothy Dandridge - Actress, was of mixed racial heritage.

Eartha Kitt – Singer/actress, her father was White and her mother was Black Cherokee.

Faith Evans – Singer/actress, Black mother, White father.

Freddie Prinze Jr. – Actor, White mother, Hispanic father.

Giancarlo Esposito – Actor, he has a Black mother and an Italian father.

Gina Belefonte - Actress and producer is the biracial daughter of singer Harry Belafonte and a White mother.

Gina Ravera – Actress, is half Puerto Rican and half Black.

Gloria Reuben – Actress, her father was White, her mother Black.

Grant Hill – Basketball player, Black father, bi-racial (black and white) mother.

Halle Berry –Actress, is the daughter of a White mother and a Black father who divorced when she was four.

Jasmine Guy – Singer/Actress, born to a Portuguese mother and a Black father and raised in Atlanta, GA.

Jaye Davidson – Actor, his father is Black (from Ghana) and his mother is White (English).

Jennifer Beals – Actress, her father is Black and her mother is White.

Jimi Hendrix - Singer, was Black, Caucasian and Cherokee.

Karyn Parsons – Actress, her father is White, her Mother is black.

Kelis - Singer, her father is black, her mother is Chinese/Puerto Rican.

Kidada Jones – Actress, sister of Rashida Jones, her father (Quincy Jones) is Black and her mother is White.

Kristoff St. John – Is of Caucasian and African American ancestry.

Leila Arcieri – Actress, her father is Italian and her mother is Black.

Lenny Kravitz - Singer, born to a Black mother and father of Jewish descent.

Lisa Bonet - Actress, born to a Jewish mother and a Black father. She was married to and later divorced singer Lenny Kravitz.

Lonette McKee - Singer/actress, her mother is Scandanavian and her father is Black.

Malcolm X – Activist, half African-American, quarter Grenadian, and quarter White American.

Mariah Carey – Singer/actress, has a Venezuelan/African-American father, and an Irish mother.

Mario Van Peebles – Actor, his father (filmmaker Melvin Van Peebles) is Black, his mother is White (German actress Maria Marx).

Maya Days – Actress, she is from a mixed Portuguese and African-American background.

Maya Rudolph – Actress, her father is White. Her mother (singer Minne Riperton) is Black.

Michael Michelle – Actress, her Mother is Black and her Father is White.

Mya - Singer, is of Black and Italian descent.

Naomi Campbell – Model, her mother is Black (Jamaican), her father is Multiracial, at least partly Chinese.

Nicole Ari Parker – Actress, White mother, Black father.

Nicole Lyn – Actress, her mother is Black and her father is of Chinese descent.

Persia White - Actress, her father is Black Bahamian and her mother is a White American.

Philip Michael Thomas - Actor, is of biracial descent.

Rachel True – Actress, she is half Black and half White but hasn't said who is what.

Rae Dawn Chong - Actress, is the daughter of comedian Tommy Chong (white-Chinese) and Black mother.

Rain Pryor - Actress, is the biracial daughter of comedian Richard Pryor and White mother.

Rashida Jones – Actress, her father (Quincy Jones) is Black and her mother (Peggy Lipton) is White.

The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) - Pro Wrestler/Actor, is of Black/Samoan descent.

Rowland Gift - Singer (Fine Young Cannibals), is the son of Black and Caucasian parents.

Rosario Dawson – Actress, quoted as saying, "I'm Puerto Rican, Black, Cuban, Irish and Native American."

Sade - Singer, is of Nigerian and British descent.

Salli Richardson - Actress, is the daughter of African American-Cherokee mother and Italian-Irish father.

Samantha Mumba - Singer and actress, she is half Irish and half African.

Shemar Moore – Actor, his father is Black and his mother is White.

Sherri Saum – Actress, her mother is White (German) and her father is Black.

Shirley Bassey - Singer, her parents are Nigerian and British.

Smokey Robinson - Singer, is of Black and Caucasian descent.

Soledad O'Brian – Reporter/News anchor, her father is Australian (his parents are Irish, hence the surname 'O'Brien') her mother, is Black of Cuban heritage.

Sophie Okonedo – Actress, her mother is Jewish and her father is Nigerian.

Stacy Dash – Actress, she is of West Indian (Black) and Aztec Indian descent.

Susan Fales-Hill - Writer/producer, she was born in Rome, Italy and raised in New York City. She was born to an Italian father and Black mother. Niece of Diahanne Carrol and sister of actor Enrico Fales.

Sydney Tamiia Poitier – Actress, her father, Sidney Poitier, is Black, her mother is White.

Tahj Mowry – Actor, younger brother of Tia & Tamara Mowry. His dad is White, and his mother African-American.

Taimak Guari (Guarriello) – Actor, his father is White (Italian) and his mother is Black.

Tamara Taylor – Actress, is the daughter of a black musician father originally from Nova Scotia and a white property manager mother of Scottish descent.

Tamia – Singer, Black mother, White father.

Tammy Townsend – Actess, her father is White (English and Yugoslavian) and her mother is Black.

Thandie Newton – Actress, was born on November 6, 1972 to a British father, an artist, and Zimbabwean mother.

Tia & Tamara Mowry – Actresses, identical twin stars of the show "Sister Sister" on the WB. Their dad is White, their mother African-American.

Tina Turner - Singer/actress, is Black and Native American.

Eldrick "Tiger" Woods – Golpher, mother is Thai, describes himself as one quarter black, one quarter Thai, one quarter Chinese, one eighth white, and one eighth American Indian and has penned the term "Cablinasian," to describe himself.

Tracee Ellis Ross – Actress, her mother (Diana Ross) is Black, her father is White.

Traci Bingham – Actress, her father is Native American and her Mother is Black and Italian.

Trevor Penick - Singer, his father is Black and his mother is White.

Troy Beyer - Actress, is the biracial daughter of Black mother, Jewish father.

Tyson Beckford - Model, Grandmother is Chinese, his mother is Chinese and Black.

Vanity - Actress, is of biracial descent.

Victoria Rowell - Actress, her mother was White her father was Black.

Vin Diesel - Actor. (You can put a question mark by this one.) Born Mark Vincent in New York City on November 1967. He doesn't like to get too specific about his background. He's Italian and a lot of other things. One of his fan clubs says, "His father is black. His mother is Irish, and he's also got some Dominican, Mexican, German and Italian thrown in." It seems that nobody knows for sure. When asked directly to resolve the issue, Mr. Diesel does admit that he is both multiracial and multinational, but he avoids specifics.

Walter Mosley - Writer, is Black and Caucasian.

Wentworth Miller - Actor, his father is Black his mother White.

Queen Elizabeth had a Black Grandmother


Belize joins the U.S. and the British Commonwealth in displaying the portrait of Queen Charlotte. Millions of people have been drawn to this black queen’s enchanting beauty and reflected on the impact her stature as Queen had on the abolition of slavery.
Belizeans are invited to see a replica of her portrait at the Museum of Belize on Goal Lane in the city.

Queen Charlotte Sophia, wife of the English King George III, was also the grandmother of King George VI, father of Queen Elizabeth.

She was slim in figure, with narrow face and long black hair that had a mixed texture, she was referred as a “Mullato” a mixture of white and black. Visitors can also do some in depth reading about the lineage of the Queen and learn more about her African ancestry from written material that has been gathered on her majesty.

According to Museum guide, Robert Hulse, who has been in the business of Research for decades, the portrait represents a lot more than just art. She is an important part of Belize’s history since we were once an English colony and served her crown.

“There was an area in Belize named after this Queen, that area known as Yarborough was called Queen Charlotte Town, so being a former English territory our pasts are intertwined.”
Today that area is still known as Queen Charlotte area with the main street, Queen Charlotte Street in the Port Loyola Division on southside Belize City.

Hulse adds, the responsibility of educating Belizeans about their history rests at the feet of the museum historians and the replica serves as evidence that they continue to strive toward that goal.

“It is important that as a people we know our history and our job is to educate people, so that they do know.” Hulse said the replica has been around since February 5 , 2002 when the museum moved to its present location and many tourist have come to see the exhibition, but it’s is time those numbers included Belizeans.

“We get visitors all the time, but mainly foreigners, we want more Belizeans to start coming to see it,” Hulse said.

Queen Charlotte was born May on 19, 1744. She was a descendant from Magarita de Castro y Sousa, a black part of the Portuguese Royal House. It is believed that several de Sousas travelled to the Netherlands when their cousin, the Princess Isabella went to marry the Grand Duke, Philip the Good of Burgundy in the year 1429.

Her negroid characteristics made her a symbol of the equality that should have existed between whites and black during a time of slavery. Artists, who were involved in the Abolition Movement used their work to show the relationships between white and black royalty that emphasized the need for the end of slavery.

One of those artists was Allan Ramsay who did several paintings of Queen Charlotte and used it as a symbol of peace.

Editor’s Note: Charlotte’s negro features had great political significance in a time when everything coming out of the “Motherland” was expected to be anything but black. Ramsay, an anti-slavery intellectual, was among the few artists who did not downplay her facial features which pointed to her African ancestry. [Joseph Romero]

I am thinking that "Charlotte" would be a nice name for my next girl...

Black Power Pill?

It is well known that blacks experience higher rates of certain diseases and that there are disparities in their access to quality healthcare. Some black university-based health authorities suggest greater proportions of blacks among health care professionals would help to remedy disparities in health care. [J Natl Med Assoc. 93:1S-5S, 2001; Theoretical Medical Bioethics. 23:499-518, 2002] While greater participation by blacks in health care delivery and management should be encouraged, this doesn't necessarily increase the percentage of blacks who are healthy.

More medicine and doctoring are not likely to improve the health status of blacks. For example, even when medical care is available, only about 6 in 10 hypertensive blacks receive medical treatment and only 25 percent taking medications have their blood pressure under control. [Ethnic Diseases 13: 456-62, 2003]

Dietary Measures not put into Practice
A cursory effort to examine elevated health risks among blacks reveals that most of the health risks rampant in this group of Americans are modifiable, often through dietary measures or other health practices such as avoidance of tobacco or excessive alcohol. However, only a small percentage of Americans (any groupings by age, sex or skin color) actually consume the recommended minimum of five daily servings of fruits and vegetables to maintain health. The National Cancer Institute now suggests nine servings of fresh plant foods per day to reduce health risks, a goal which is not likely to be achieved by a significant percentage of the population, let alone among minority groups in society. [British Medical Journal 326: 1003, 2003] National Institutes of Health 9-A-Day Program]

What about a Pill?

It becomes obvious that a dietary supplement of some kind may be of value here to make up for nutritional gaps in the diet. Dr. Bruce Ames of the University of California at Berkeley has suggested that a well-designed vitamin pill, particularly one featuring folic acid, may make up for the nutritional deficiencies of the population, particularly those who are most in need. [Ann N Y Acad Sci. 889:87-106, 1999] Homocysteine, an undesirable protein in the blood circulation, is linked with cardiovascular disease and brain dementia. Blacks, particularly blacks with low intakes of folic acid (green leafy vegetables) have higher homocysteine levels. [Am J Clin Nut 77: 826-33, 2003]

Nutrition and Blacks

It is alarming to estimate the impact of poor nutrition upon blacks. Yet at the same time it is encouraging to realize that nutritional strategies could be employed to eradicate or reduce common health risks in the family of black Americans, at very little cost.
The connection between skin color, nutrition and disease is exemplified by the role of vitamin D, the "sunshine vitamin," among blacks. Dark melanin skin pigment slows the natural production of vitamin D in the skin upon exposure to the sun. Blacks may require as much as ten times more sun exposure to produce the same vitamin D as Caucasians. Virtually no vitamin D is produced with sun exposure in the winter months at northern latitudes (Alaska, Canadian border states) and blacks exhibit far lower vitamin D levels than whites regardless of geography. Shortages of vitamin D are causally linked to high blood pressure, stroke, cancer (colon, breast, prostate, ovarian, lymphoma), Crohn's disease, immune problems and osteoporosis, health problems that are common in the black community.

One study uncovered a profound shortage of vitamin D among black females, 42.4%, compared to just 4.2% among white females. Black women who do not drink much milk (usually less than 3 servings of breakfast cereal a week) are more likely to exhibit vitamin D deficiency. Even among African American women who do consume 200 IU of vitamin D from supplements, still 28% had a shortage of this vitamin. [Am J Clin Nut 76: 187-92, 2002]

In Boston, a wintertime study revealed 21% of elderly blacks age 64-100 had vitamin D deficiency compared to 11% of whites. [J Clin Endocrinol Metab 85: 4125-30, 2000] While blacks are strongly encouraged to increase vitamin D intake during winter, evidence of public health announcements appears to be few.

One of the problems is the historical reluctance of health authorities to recommend dietary supplements over dietary measures. However, the simple fact is that it is unlikely that blacks, particularly blacks living in northern latitudes, will acquire sufficient amounts of vitamin D from dietary sources to maintain health.

Fortified Milk Was Designed for Infants, not Adults

Long ago health authorities fortified milk with vitamin D to prevent childhood rickets. But this fortification program was not designed for adults, particularly adults living in northern latitudes.
To add to the problem, due to the absence of an enzyme (lactase) after the growing years, blacks notoriously exhibit intolerance to milk products. In one study abnormal lactose tolerance was found among 81% of blacks and only 12% of whites of Scandinavian or Northwestern European extraction. [New Eng J Med 292: 1156-59, 1975] This explains their avoidance of dairy products.

In northern climates blacks are at greater risk for vitamin D deficiency and fortification of milk with vitamin D is not an effective way of preventing this vitamin deficiency. [Nutrition Reviews 61: 107-13, 2003] Additionally synthetic vitamin D2 in milk is not equal in nutritional value to the natural vitamin D3 in dietary supplements. Vitamin D3 is the preferred form.

FDA Authorities Confirm Milk Is not an Adequate Delivery System
A recently published report, written by authorities at the Food & Drug Administration is presented below for your review. It is obvious that dairy products are not an adequate delivery system for vitamin D among adults, particularly among adults of any skin pigmentation living in northern latitudes.

Nutrition Reviews 61:107-13, 2003
Prevalence of vitamin D insufficiency in Canada and the United States: importance to health status and efficacy of current food fortification and dietary supplement use. Calvo MS, Whiting SJ.; Office of Applied Research and Safety Assessment, Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition, Food and Drug Administration, HFS- 025, 8301 Muirkirk Road, Laurel, MD 20708, USA.

Several recent studies have identified a surprisingly high prevalence of vitamin D insufficiency in otherwise healthy adults living in Canada and the United States. Most striking are the effects of latitude, season, and race. Also noteworthy is that dietary vitamin D is not reaching the population in greatest need, nor is it very protective against insufficiency. Fluid milk, as the predominant vehicle for vitamin D fortification, is apparently not very effective in staving off vitamin D insufficiency in adults in all populations at all times of the year.
You can see for yourself here that the problem has been adequately described, but little or no action is being taken. It is obvious that the promotion and even provision of a vitamin D pill, particularly to the black community at large, is overdue.

Dairy Products Industry Influence
The dairy products industry has influence and keeps steering health authorities away from any recommendation for dietary supplements. The National Dairy Council doggedly continues to overemphasize the health benefits of calcium and claims that blacks can overcome their intolerance to dairy products by employing "a few simple dietary strategies." [J Natl Med Assoc. 94 :55-66, 2002] These measures include use of enzyme fortified milk and slow re-introduction of dairy products to reactivate the lactase enzyme. However, these strategies are obviously not working and milk simply is not fortified with enough vitamin D to improve the health of blacks at any geographical latitude. Health authorities and politicians who continue to capitulate to the dairy industry are not serving their country well.

It is obvious blacks are genetically different (not inferior) and due to their melanin skin pigmentation exhibit special health and nutritional needs that are not being adequately addressed by the medical community nor the food industry.

The National Dairy Council continues to emphasize dairy calcium as a preventive measure for hypertension, stroke, colon cancer and obesity, and claims that "a low intake of dairy food nutrients, such as calcium, potassium, and magnesium, may contribute to the high risk of hypertension seen in African Americans." However, milk is a very poor source of magnesium and potassium.

Blacks Have Greater Shortages of Magnesium than Calcium
Far more Americans, about 8 in 10, consume lower amounts of magnesium than calcium. Over 100 years ago the US dietary intake of magnesium was around 500 milligrams. Today median intake of dietary magnesium is only 237 mg per day among black men versus 326 for white males and 237 mg for white females versus 177 mg for black females. A substantial percentage of US adults fail to consume sufficient amounts of magnesium, more so among blacks, which may help explain disparities in health. [J Nutrition 133: 2879-82, 2003] One study revealed about 1 in 5 urban black females have low magnesium levels. [J Family Practice 48: 636-39, 1999]
Lower magnesium intake is associated with diabetes, high blood pressure and cardiovascular disease as well as abnormal heart rhythm. [J Natl Med Assoc 95: 257-62, 2003; Am Heart J 143: 535-40, 2002; Arch Int Med 159: 2151-59, 1999] Low magnesium levels are directly linked to sudden-death heart attack. [J Am Coll Cardiol. 27:1771-6, 1996; Angiology 46:145-9, 1995] Widespread fortification of the diet of black Americans with magnesium has been proposed, but no action has been taken.

A Black Power Pill?

A typical multivitamin contains only 400 international units (IU) of vitamin D, which is the daily dose recommended by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. Conventional multivitamins are not an answer to this problem. [Eur J Clin Nutr. 55:1091-7, 2001] Research suggests that people actually need 1000 IU of vitamin D a day, blacks even more, at least 2000 IU per day. That may be the minimum. One report suggests 2000 IU per day is 5 times too low to improve human health. [Am J Clin Nutr. 69: 842-56, 1999]

But here again blacks run into a roadblock. Health authorities mistakenly claim that 2000 IU is the tolerable upper limit. This makes it sound like toxicity begins at 2000 IU per day. But Reinhold Vieth PhD, an expert on vitamin D and health, points out that Caucasians who obtain an hour of sun in the summer at noontime in southern latitudes will naturally produce about 10,000 IU of vitamin D, so 2000 IU simply could not be toxic. Dr. Vieth's own studies have proven that 4000 IU of daily vitamin D is not toxic and that oral doses of 40,000 IU for prolonged periods would be required to produce any toxicity. [Am J Clin Nutr. 73: 288-94, 2001; Am J Clin Nutr. 69: 842-56, 1999]

The provision and consumption of at least 2000 IU vitamin D3, 200 mgs of elemental magnesium and 400-800 mcg of folic acid in a dietary supplement may go a long way towards disease prevention in the American black community. [Am J Clin Nutrition 77: 1318-23, 2003] Inferior forms of magnesium should be avoided (magnesium oxide only 4% absorbed) in order to produce effective results. [Magnes Res 14: 257-62, 2001]

Such a pill would be inexpensive and could dramatically improve measurable health parameters in the American black community.
Foot Dragging, Conflict of Interest, or Racism?

Some articles published in medical journals suggest racism is at the root of health care inequalities between groups in society. [Am J Med Sci 325: 315-31, 2003] It would be easy to see how the combined lack of nutritional training by physicians, the commercial conflicts of interest by food providers, their exertion of political influence, along with indecision by health authorities, could be construed by the black community as another example of racism. Once informed of the nutritional origins of their health problems, blacks are likely to demand action. Such a racist label can only be avoided by prompt action to correct these overt nutritional deficiencies in an often disadvantaged segment of the American population.

The advent of a specially formulated dietary supplement for this easily identifiable group in American society should proceed without delay. Neither should informed blacks wait for government to take action and delay practicing self care. Magnesium, folic acid and vitamin D3 pills are inexpensive and widely available. In this case, private entrepreneurship may be able to move much faster than government health authorities or politicians. [Bill Sardi 2004]

Monday, August 6, 2007

Commitment

Fear of Commitment?

If there's one word that strikes fear in my heart, it is "commitment". To such people as myself, these three little syllables are scarier than the three little words that came before them.
You know my type: they may love their partners very much, they may have no interest in being apart or being with anyone else, but the mere thought of "committing" to the relationship makes their blood run cold.

They will put off marriage or even just an engagement for years, they will put up a valiant fight against pressure to settle down, and will offer myriad arguments as to why they can't promise anything. The excuses are as varied and individual as are the people who use them, but the one thing they all have in common is a profound, almost implacable, fear of commitment.


Its important to remember that marriage is also a commitment to yourself.

When you choose to marry, you are not only agreeing to take on a husband or wife, you are also agreeing to be a husband or wife. You are agreeing to marry and be married. You are saying to yourself that you are worthy of the love of another human being, that you are capable of sustaining a long term exclusive relationship, and that you are mature enough, thoughtful enough, confident enough, to become intimate partners with another human being through whatever storms you may face together.

Why is this? Why am I so afraid of committing to a relationship I enjoy and a person who makes me happy (most times)?

Let's start here:

I was married once before, and the thought of picking up dirty mens socks and having hair in the bathroom sink again is more than enough to keep me single for a little while longer.

A lump on the couch watching TV past midnight is not my idea of bliss....
I hate Corvettes and it is hard to pretend otherwise for very long. But the reality is none of us wants to wind up alone in our golden years...so at some point I will have to hop in that Stingray and try not to notice that driver missed a spot of silver stubble on his otherwise shiny smooth head.

I acknowlegde that I am a serious, value-oriented person, committed to achieving the very best in life, and worthy of the rewards that come from that pursuit. I do acknowledge that at some point I must welcome the responsiblity of contributing to a successful relationship, and that you have the self-esteem to expect them to contribute to it as well.

This is no small task. It takes bravery, self-esteem, confidence in your own judgement, optimism and an indomitable spirit. Not everyone is up to it. Not everyone has the moral fortitude to jump feet first into marriage in spite of the natural doubts that surface from time to time. Some people are simply afraid. They don't know their own character well enough to make such promises to themselves.

I have a tendency to focus on my family more since I am so ambivalent about marriage and commitment. I fully appreciate that marriage is the ultimate in selfishness, undertaken for our own wellbeing and happiness as much as that of our partner's. Perhaps in time I we will be. But at the very least, to introspect a little more before slamming that door, I must know for certain whether I fear committing to marriage, or to something larger...